Blyth: Hitting Walls Within Myself

Last night I felt myself hit a wall. A mental wall. And it wasn’t a hit so much as a slam.

Things have been great. I’ve been dating someone for a little over 4 months and the past few weeks have been the best of our time together. I moved into a new house with perfectly colored walls. I’m working with an organization I adore. All things add up to my life being awesome. But there’s something missing. Some purpose.

I find myself talking about the persin I used to be. I used to try harder to live by my values. I used to be intentional with my words. I used to seek out opportunities to help. I used to incorporate anti oppression work into my day to day life. I used to do all those things. But what the fuck am I doing now? I fear San Francisco has turned into that black hole that I feared…yet craved. For the first time in my life I am able to distract myself with convenience. Life, for the most part, is easy and that has been surprisingly hard for me.

Sometimes I lose sight of how much work I’ve done to get here. I get wrapped up in a moment and I forget that I’ve already done this. I know the answer. I can make the right choice. Because lately I’ve made the easy choices: staying in the relationship I know isn’t good for me, eating the food that is more tasty than it is nutritious, fucking around on the internets instead of writing, throwing myself into social situations instead of processing through my shit. And all these easy choices have taken a toll. They have moved me farther away from who I want to be more than any move to an uber liberal city could.

So I guess that’s it. I’m lost. I know what I need to do to get back on track and I’m absolutely annoyed at my unwillingness to just get it done. I’m frustrated by my exhaustion when my life is the easiest it’s ever been. Instead of being nourished by supporting others I feel drained, tricked, trapped. And I hate myself for that. I suppose the truth is that part of me is tired of carrying everyone else’s shit and part of me needs it. So where the fuck do I go from there?

I think I just hit the wall of knowing that this emptiness I feel is my own doing…..